Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Crap Mentality

Wanna know the reason why the Police took a long time to release the result of their very thorough investigation as to the exact origin of the Glorietta Mall Blast?

It was because of the pressure that they got from the Special Agents of the FBI who helped them gather the pieces of evidence in the blast site and want the report suppressed until they got clearance from their superiors in Quantico.

But the PNP Leadership in a rare show of defiance to Uncle Sam and probably bitten by the Patriotic Bug, released the result of their investigation anyway since they were afraid of the consequences that their findings will do to the lives of the more than 90 million Filipinos living here and abroad.

The PNP Leadership doesn’t want themselves to be caught literally and figuratively with their pants- down especially when it comes to National Security. They have learned their lessons from past experiences when all kinds of crap were thrown at them from all angles by angry Filipinos for every major Poop- pas (read- faux pas) that they committed . They want to redeem their image and the trust of the crappy Pinoy Nation.

And so they did the unthinkable and revealed that the explosion in Glorietta Mall was the result of methane gas accumulation in the basement of the high- end mall.

Since methane gas was found to be the primary culprit, Western Scientists and Terrorist Mad Doctors are now looking into the matter with rabid determination on how they overlooked this gas in the past and are now working double-time in an insane race to produce the newest and most destructive kind of weapon of mass destruction known to man.

And we all know that methane can be found in sh*t and it doesn’t help us Pinoys that the PNP ruled that the blast originated from a septic tank in the ground floor of the mall. It speaks volumes about the secret activities of the Zobel de Ayalas as well as about US.

In fact, now and more than ever, Filipinos are now being analyzed and scrutinized all over the world--From boarding airplanes to going to the bathrooms to shopping in supermarkets to dining in restaurants to our ethnic diets to every aspect of our daily gossiping lives, you can bet that Big Brother is watching our every move.

Suddenly the world took notice and is now on red alert, foreign governments now have drawn secret protocols to deal with all the Filipinos comings and goings in their respective countries. This is the dawning of a new age where the New World Order is now secretly called The Filipino Watch.

The recent kidnapping of 8 Filipino sailors by Somali Pirates is just the latest proof of these. For years these lawless elements were just contented on preying on small- time fishermen until one fateful day this year and now wants to join the ever- growing bandwagon. Thanks to satellite TV and the ever- present Media conglomerates.

They accidentally learned about the news in one of those daring raids they have mastered bordering on perfection, in this particular case on MV Yellow Submarine, a Liberian- registered fishing vessel in the high seas. The leader of the pirates while attending to a call of nature in the Captain’s Cabin was able to watch the hyperactive CNN correspondent reporting about the explosion in Makati City, in the Philippines.

He had an epiphany and decided to plunge into action when the chance arises. They know from experience that Filipino Seafarers inhabit the Seven Seas and so they seized the first ship that they saw and loo and behold got what they wanted.

Rumors has it that the Pinoy Crew Members were released unharmed not because the Philippine government paid ransom or one of the Superpowers threatened them to kingdom come. They were freed only after having all 8 of them Pinoy Seamen in their months of captivity somewhere in the Indian Ocean to take a sh*t in specialized containers complete with vacuum sealed covers that they’re planning to ship and sell to Iran wherein the present regime will run a test on the promise of this new material. It will also help in the process diffuse the flak the Iranians are getting nowadays because of their nuclear ambition in the volatile Middle East. Iran now thinks that they can ease the pressure by switching from a nuclear program to a new source of raw energy.

Even Japan who once upon a time sent a lot of container vans full of sh*t (e.g. adult & baby diapers) to the Philippines wants us to return the favor. The government should look into this and it’s probably in the recent Japan- Philippine Economic Partnership Agreement (JPEPA) proposals that they submitted. We should take advantage of this opportunity since its not easy to give the Japanese a lot of sh*t and be paid for it in the process. But expect the usual crap and opposition from the traditional Left like Ka Satur and his cohorts in the House of Representatives since they will say it will be disadvantageous for us selling our national treasures to Japanese Imperialists.

By the way, the Japanese are looking into testing and using our sh*ts as a valid alternative to the volatile nuclear wastes that they import and recycle from France to power their Industries as they take on the world in the next century.

But the French are not bitter about this since they know that they can sell more perfumes to the world because of this development. They just sigh in very Frenchy fashion and indifference to let them Japs have their sh*t and .....

In fact to the glee of the GMA administration, the French Government in cooperation with the House of Dior is in the process of donating thousands of surplus designer portable toilets to the Philippines that will help many Filipinos in the countryside who has no access to decent potty chairs while performing their daily rituals.

Our Spratly Islands playmate, China is still trying to figure out on how it seem that Pinoy sh*t have more power than Chinese sh*t. They’re doing some nerve- wracking experiments in Guandong on some hapless political prisoners as guinea pigs on why a diet of 3Bs (Balut, Betamax and Bagoong ) is more explosive than all the exotic ingredients that is the staple of Chinese Cuisine combined.

In fact, some enterprising Chinese are now manufacturing fake materials in knock-offs Abaca- laced aluminum drums labeled Pilipino Scraps in Szechuan for export to third world countries.

So, the modern Chinese Philosophy that if you can’t join ‘em, fake ‘em prevails, in this case. It is the Tao, the New Way of getting even with an upstart like the Philippines shaming a country that has prided itself of being the center of civilization that dates back to thousand of years.

The Arab Countries are also now worried and have issued edicts and decrees that all Filipinos toiling in the desert are obligated to take their shit in specialized crap bags to be handed over to the elements of their State Security every morning before they go to work in their vast oil fields. They’re actually doing everything in the labs find a way to sabotage the economic potential of the Pinoy Crap that will put the OPEC out of business with help from former East German and Soviet Scientists in their employ.

The Royal Houses are also wary of the priceless Pinoy crap falling into the wrong hands and have now imposed curfews on Filipinos working in their Kingdoms, Sultanates and Emirates since the CIA have uncovered documents in Iraq and Afghanistan that pertains to Osama Bin Ladin’s order to all Al Qaeda members to look, find and spirit away every Juan, Pedro and Andres that they could find wandering the sandy streets at night into the secret confines of their hideouts in the arid Arabian Deserts.

Reports coming from the sources of CNN veteran reporter Cra(p)stiane Amanfart that the terrorists are now studying the feasibility of making a more powerful and destructive alternative to the current Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs) that they manufacture and use against the US- led Forces in Iraq that made many people in the White House’s Comfort Rooms uneasy. They’re testing a hybrid form of combining Camel’s droppings to the Pinoy poop.

The US Army are taking these reports seriously and are now conducting tests in their secret underground testing grounds in the Nevada Desert of the same materials that were scooped by their agents posing as Handymen from various Filipino Immigrants Households in Continental America. NASA Scientists have revealed that this Flip materials could fuel the sending of manned space missions to some galaxies far, far away in the not-so-distant future.

Even the Department of Homeland Security now has a directive that was recently relayed to the US Embassy in Manila that as a precondition of granting US Visas to Filipino applicants, they were made to swear under pain of revocation of their papers that they will have to empty their bowels first before boarding any aircraft bound for the United States as well as refrain from bringing materials into the US that can be use in the making of these potentially dangerous explosives. This did not sit well to many Filipino Tuyo, Balut and Bagoong smugglers.

From the looks of it, the Filipino sh*t due to its high - grade power potential and promising capabilities, is now a prized commodities in all the legal and illegal markets of the world. I now dare say, that the Pinoy’s sh*t is now the new uranium/ plutonium that will power the world to the future. It is now considered to be the new “gold” standard where all precious things will be measured.

The PNP investigators without them knowing it have just started the ball rolling for the world to engage in a dangerous poop race. Now, everybody wants a piece of us, yes everybody wants a piece of our sh*t.

And by that, I say, that when it comes to B-Shiting, WE Filipinos are up there with the best.


Note: Well, I’m really sorry folks, if this post is nothing but just a lot of B.S.

Poop Script: Hey, you people with the dirty minds, B.S. stands for Bill’s Sh*t, oks?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

funny. :0

Rudy said...

And this is also one of the reason for the Pinoy's love affair with pyrotechnics. Hence, you see people who are constantly nagging about the lack of money and yet wouldn't think twice about buying firecrackers every year. Now how stupid is that?

Anyways, Happy New Year, padi. :-)

-snglguy-

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